Coming off of Birth Control

If you feel squeamish by the talk of periods/monthly cycles, avert your attention elsewhere because this is about to get very personal...

 The month I turned sixteen I was placed on birth control. It was to help my irregular and painful cycles that I had been struggling with since the summer before seventh grade. At first it was okay. The transition was smooth and I quickly got into the habit of taking my medication every night. But as I got older, I could feel my body wanting to change but my medication had a grip that wouldn't break. It refused to let my body experience the hormone changes that are experienced when teenage girls become young women.

I gained weight almost instantly and could never seem to lose it, damaging my self image. My periods were still unpredictable and painful. I tried several different types of birth control and I couldn't seem to find the right one. One kind made me gain ten pounds, another made me bloated all the time, another made me depressed and angry. I tried to practice self love and self care but my emotions were not my own. My hormones were synthetic. I felt fake. I experienced depression-like symptoms every other day. My own natural process was structured and dictated by little pills. I longed for my body to feel my own. I longed for it to feel real.

I want to belong to me.

I feel like some women wouldn't feel the way I do about my period. They think that it is a bother, a monthly nuisance. But when I think about it... I realize that this is God's sign that I am capable of bearing children. Without this, I would not be healthy. Without a menstrual cycle, I would unable to provide the would with life in the future. I view it as an opportunity to leave something good and pure on this world.

Two months before I turned eighteen, I stopped taking my birth control. I was warned by my mother that when I stopped taking it, my period would come almost instantly... It did not experience my period until three days after the night I did not take the pill. When I felt those cramps... I was elated. (They were kind of painful, but not terrible. A little exercise relieved me of them rather quickly.) When you're on BC, you do not have real periods. You go through medication withdrawals that cause bleeding. So when I finally got my period for the first time in two years, the excitement was real. I was actually starting to feel... real.

I feel real.

It's been about a week and a half now that I have been off of the pill and I've lost two pounds. I no longer feel bloated. I even sleep a little better. I'm not sure if that is psychological but it is what has happened. I have not felt depressed which feels amazing. To not hate yourself 'just because' is absolutely... wow. When I would get into one of my funks I, and nobody else, could get me out of it. I wanted to lay in bed all day and cry and then hate myself for whatever reason. I put tension on relationships, romantic and family, and I made everybody's life as miserable as mine. Or so I perceived. Now... I actually feel good. I stood in the mirror this morning and admired my body. My lack of thigh-gap, my curvy belly, and my hair that's falling out.

I feel good.

I plan on learning about cycle-syncing and eating foods to that coincide with my cycle to help with PMS. I am currently tracking my phases and predicted days that my next period will show up. Knowing that my period is now in the hands of Mother Nature is honestly kind of exciting. And I want to work with Mother Nature to control it, and understand it, and love my monthly. I want to love myself, every little bit. As naturally and as purely as it can be.